Pony Payback
by Horrorxxxgirl
Summary: Rainbow Dash and Applejack investigate the murder and castration of a Ponyville carriage driver. They discover that the victim had assumed the identity of another pony because he himself was wanted by police. Munch PonyxOC
1. Chapter 1

_In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Ponyville, the dedicated ponies who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Hooves Unit. These are their stories..._

The rain poured down on Ponyville. It came in slanted sheets as a group of ponies stood around a crashed cart outside of town. A police pony turned to see an Earth pony and a pegasus coming at him. "Sex crimes?"

The pegasus nodded her head of rainbow hair. She used her wing to keep her partner's back dry. "Who do we got here?" she asked, hoping it was no one she knew.

"Anvil Hammer. Unicorn. Mid-30's," said the police pony. "Multiple stab wounds. Forty bits left in the apple box purchased at Sweet Apple Acres. Hack license made out to Sugar Spice. Twelve more bits in his wallet. No ID."

"Well, seems somepony owes me 22 bits," smirked Rainbow Dash, removing her wing from her partner. Rainbow Dash began to chuckle. "AJ here thought this was going to be a robbery!"

Applejack shoved her over. A crime scene was no place to be laughing. "Stabbings aren't necessarily sexual," hummed Applejack to the police pony. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Is there a specific reason you called us out?"

"Yeah! There better be! I was doing my wing exercises when you guys called!" growled Rainbow Dash. And thinking about such silly things like that shouldn't be done at a crime scene either. Applejack took a glance at the bloody body in the cart.

"Simmer down nelly," scolded Applejack after she shuddered.

"Whoever did this sliced off his 'cigar' and took it with 'em!" said the cop pony. Applejack's mouth fell open. What kind of pony would do that!? "Is that specific enough for you?"

Rainbow Dash fell onto her back and let out a roaring laugh, her hooves wrapped about her small frame. "Works for me," said Applejack. Rainbow Dash really needed to stop laughing at the victims.


	2. Wiener Wagger

Twilight Sparkle burst into the office. "Sorry I'm late!" Twilight announced. The unicorn was still ticked that the princess gave the position of captain to Pinkie Pie when Pinkie's idea of justice was that every pony got cake and ice cream. "Doesn't sound like there's much doubt on the COD."

John narrowed his eyes at at the purple pony. Twilight Sparkle dropped a stack of folders onto his desk. "Do you think your conclusional pole vaults are personality or gender-driven?" asked John. Okay. So Twilight couldn't see his narrowed eyes. But she could hear it in his voice.

"I don't know, John. What about deductively logical?" sneered Twilight.

"Oh, really?" asked John as he stood up, trotting to the coffee machine. "Snuff? You want some coffee sweetie?" Snuff nodded as Applejack threw Rainbow Dash a light gag. "Anyways, I had what looked like a stabbing once, in Maneimore. Turns out some pony who was getting divorced drank drain cleaner-"

"Icky!" cried Pink Pie.

"-and when his soon-to-be unmarried widow discovered him dead, no alimony-she stabbed him 15 times out of pique," said John trotting back to his new pegasus wife. A cup of warm coffee for himself and her.

The door to the office opened slowly and in came Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash would never understand why the princess let her of all ponies onto the unit. "Um...excuse me...Captain...Pinkie Pie..." she mumbled. "There's a...pony molesting a dead...pony..."

"Oh, that is just terrific," said Pinkie, for once taking some responsibility. "Who wants it?"

"Me and John," said Twilight.

"I think a dead molestee can be handled by one detective," said Pinkie. Oh wow. More maturity shown by the pink pony. "Twilight, you go. John and Snuff, give Rainbow Dash and Applejack the benefit of your guy's puncture wound experience."

Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle watched as John and Snuff go over to Applejack and Rainbow Dash. "Twilight? If the pony is dead, is that consider a sex crime?" asked Pinkie.

"I'm gonna leave and interrogate and write up a DD5," said Twilight, who started to the door of the office.

"Why don't you and Snuff hit up the carriage company? The night guy didn't have a home address on the vic," said Applejack, handing John a folder. "I'll do the hack bureau."

"What about you erstwhile partner?" asked Snuff in her usual low, gravely voice. She motioned at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash grabbed at Snuff's bone wing. "I'd love to, Mrs. Munch, but my 20% cooler presence is required in court this morning."

Twilight Sparkle stopped and waited for Rainbow. "I read about it on the news-it's Ding Dong living up to his name?"

"He should be known as the Wienie Wagger!" chuckled Rainbow Dash.


	3. Shortcomings?

**bSUPREME COURT**

**PART 72**

**WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15/b**

"Detective Dash...you previously testified that you first approached the defendant in the park, he was feeding the pigeons. Is that correct?" asked Quick Silver, a smartly dressed lawyer pony. He clopped back and forth from the stand where she now sat. The whole room was uncomfortable. All the hard wood made her flank sore. They kept this room a few degrees too warm.

Too sweat out a confession? Maybe a slip in the story? The pegasus nodded. "That's correct-o-mundo," Rainbow Dash smirked to the Quick Silver. The courtroom was about 120% uncool. She needed to make it at least 20% cooler.

"And the zipper on Ding Dong's pants was closed?" he asked, once more. The Pegasus took no glee in rainbow maned pony's silly way of saying correct. Quick Silver and Rainbow Dash used to play Wonderbolts as fillies and as they grew, would just soar the skies together before this whole Law and Pony business took over Ponyville. Now, he didn't seem to care about his flying buddy.

She nodded again, crossing her hooves over her white tied chest. "At the time, yes," the sky blue pegasus said, more serious this time.

"So, to your personal knowledge, Ding Dong's pants have never been unzipped in public?" pressed silver pegasus. A Wonderbolt hopeful was now defending a pervert. A weanie wagger. How sad.

"You got me there, flying buddy, 'cause he didn't flash me," said Rainbow Dash, flashing him a cocky grin.

"Then why did you arrest him?" sneered Quick Silver, crossing his hooves over his thin black tied chest.

"Two ponies had stopped me and told me the defendant had been exposing himself," she said. "What did you want me to do?"

"So you arrested my client based solely on their uncorroborated accusations?" he asked, giving her back a cocky grin.

"That and the fact that I've known both ponies for five years, yes," spat the pegasus. Seriously? Would White Whisper and Rippled River lie?

"So you know them well?" asked the lawyer pony. Rainbow Dash said that she did. "Intimately?"

The rainbow maned pony rolled her eyes, "Don't be ridiculous. We're neighbors...if I lived on the ground!"

"You're a member of the Special Ponies Unit of the Ponyville Police Department, is that correct?" asked Quick Silver. Rainbow Dash nodded. "And this unit in the police department is known as the 'Sex Crimes Unit'? So, are obsessed with sex, detective? It's an all-volunteer unit, isn't that correct?"

"Yes it is."

"Could you tell the court why you volunteered?" he asked.

"I didn't. The princess asked me to join," she said. "You never tell the princess no when she asks you to do something. Plus, I think sex should be one of the best parts of life, not the worst. I do see myself as the guardian of a filly, I wouldn't want to see her exposed to Ding Dong's...shortcomings."

"Shortcomings?" growled Ding Dong. "Shortcomings!?" He stood up in a fury, ripping his pants off, making the jury and everyone else gasp and chuckle. "Shortcomings my ass, you putzhead!" The sky blue pegasus fell off her chair in a fit of laughter. "Look at it! Shortcomings, huh!? Take a look! Look at it!"

Rainbow Dash climbed back onto her chair as Ding Dong was being taken away in handcuffs.


End file.
